(I’ll probably never send this to her but I need to get it out. I also probably shouldn’t be posting this but I want my truth to be known.)
I don’t want a response because it doesn’t matter but I want you to hear my side from me & not filtered through Bobby or anybody else. I don’t hate you or want you to think I’m crazy or an evil bitch. I don’t plan on contacting you again. I just want to express how badly I’m hurting. It’s only fair you know since you’ve insisted on butting into my life. I know you’re a single mom so you know what it’s like when all you’ve ever wanted was a family & it’s ripped away from you. When you give everything you have. Your whole heart & soul. Bobby & I have had rough times but we were working on it. He seemed to want to work on things until you popped up out of the blue.
It doesn’t feel fair. You had your chance & you left. Bobby & I have had something since 2006 but I was with my first boyfriend until 2009. I knew Bobby always had feelings for me but I was in a relationship & he went through several & I never interfered. Not saying that you’re the reason we had problems but you are a factor NOW. Bobby says you said you didn’t wanna be but if that were true then why admit you still think about him/have feelings after he said he’s still with me? Why suggest meeting up several times when you knew that I didn’t know y’all were even in communication? If you really didn’t wanna be a factor, then why make yourself an option?
The biggest thing I’m upset about is that you got to meet my son without me getting a say. What right do you have meeting him while you hope his parent split up? As a single mom, put yourself in my shoes. You wouldn’t like your daughter around another woman without you knowing. That my son played with your daughter while I guess you & Bobby reminisced about the past or caught up makes me beyond angry.
Bobby says it was innocent but I disagree. Everyone that I’ve talked to has disagreed. It was kept a secret from me & you both have admitted to still caring about the other. The intention for the future is there. If Bobby decides to leave me & get with you, it’s like a little blended family. Like you’re already taking my family from me. How is any of that okay to you? It shows me you have no respect for a family.
I’ll tell you what Bobby’s high school friends have told me, he may not physically cheat but he’s an emotional cheater. I never really believed them until now. He doesn’t think that’s a real thing but he’s hurt several people, not just me. His ex told me about him doing it to her, he did it to you, & he’s doing it to me now. His family is even telling him he’s emotionally cheating RIGHT now by talking to you the way y’all have. I’m not saying he’s a bad person but I never thought he’d disrespect me or do what he’s doing now.
I’m friends with my ex & didn’t mind Bobby being friends with his. I’ve never harbored bad feelings towards you & even thought you were cool the few times I met you. That’s why I added you on Facebook. I didn’t realize you were a threat. I was there for Bobby when you did just leave out of nowhere without any explanation. I understand, to some degree, what you represented to him.
In April of 2011, two month after giving birth to his son, I found a folder in his phone named Elizabeth with a bunch of old pictures he stole off your Facebook. He admitted to messaging you & I hope nothing really happened or was said but who’s to say. He would say y’all were friends but I disagreed. You left & had no contact with him for years. You HAD your chance.
Bobby said you told him you left him because you were just young. You moved on though & had a kid with someone else so you couldn’t possibly have been that torn up about breaking up with him. And so what? That sounds like YOUR loss. I don’t get why he doesn’t see that it’s not okay for you to just breeze in & out of his life. I don’t understand why a choice you made five years ago is affecting my family & my life NOW.
I can understand why you did what you did, it was healthier for you at the time & Bobby wasn’t in the best place mentally during that period because of losing his grandpa & his drinking (I was a wreck during the same time period in 2007 because my mom died two months after his grandpa did - that’s how we bonded in the first place, watching our loved ones die), but I’m not like that. When I really love someone, I have a hard time quitting or walking away. I’ve never completely cut off contact with someone I genuinely cared about. I guess when it got hard for you though, you bailed.
I’ve loved Bobby & wanted him more than I think anyone has or ever will. He’ll even attest that there was hardly a day that went by that I didn’t tell him how grateful I am for him as my partner & father to our son. My past was so horrible that I sincerely believed that he was a gift from whatever higher being there is to make up for it.
He made me feel the same way too. He told me when he was with you, he’d write me love letters & poems on your computer (that he never sent directly to me but I picked up on it cuz of txts & MySpace blogs) & said if I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time, he would have left you for me. Why else do you think he tried so hard to get me that job at Spencer’s? His high school friends also told me Bobby seems to want what he can’t have. That he enjoys the chase. I go back & forth about whether to believe that or not.
I think he’s really confused. He said he’s not gonna jump into another relationship & just wants time to be alone & process things. We’ve been together over four years, been friends since 2006, & it’s only naturally to have highs & lows in regards to feelings. The butterflies you feel in the beginning don’t last but you have to MAKE it work. We do love each other & are really good friends regardless of what happens. As far as I know, you & Bobby only worked together & dated/lived together (knew each other) for a little over a year. Y’all never got to the point where we are so I can see how Bobby could’ve held onto memories of y’all’s relationship because for him, it wasn’t bad. I understand the heartbreak of someone leaving & not understanding why or having a chance to fix things.
I don’t believe Bobby or you are bad people or villains. I’m just extremely hurt & angry. I don’t know where to direct it. I just found this all out yesterday (10/26/13). I asked him again, if he was sure there wasn’t anyone else because his behavior wasn’t making sense. He said, “yes & no.”
No matter what Bobby TELLS you, there’s two sides to every story & I had NO idea that things were this bad. He never once showed he was this unhappy or that we were this bad off. He tells me he loves me still & was thoughtful & things we good. We didn’t really fight. We went to the store, had friends over, went places & did things. We have a VERY good relationship because we have a lot of the same beliefs & respect for one another. Life was just carrying on as usual. We were still intimate until about 4 weeks ago (when he says you started txting)…
I’m not gonna ask you to back off because it doesn’t matter what you or I do. Bobby’s gonna do what he’s gonna do. That’s just his way. (Nobody can sway his mind though I’m trying my damnedest.) I also don’t have the right but I can’t live like this. YOU are the reason I’m considering giving up right now. I can’t get through to him.
For whatever reason, Bobby’s never gotten over your leaving him. Maybe because he said you never explained yourself & because it was supposedly out of nowhere. He never got closure. It doesn’t feel fair. Like he’ll bend over backwards for someone who just left him the way you did & I’ve tried everything possible to make things better & I’m being thrown away like trash. I’ve never kept anything from him. Always have been loving, loyal, honest, supportive, etc.
My problems stem from me having a very traumatic past that I’ve never dealt with. With my self esteem. None of our problems come from our personal interactions with one another. We get along very well & respect each other as human beings, which I’m thankful for now since we’ll always co-parent. I started going to counseling a few months back & things were looking up. We were planning to move soon & we talked about marriage. I thought I was close to finally being happy. My childhood dream. Bobby’s everything I could want in a man & as a father. We hit a rough patch & instead of REALLY working on it, Bobby tends to remember the past better than it is & to not appreciate what he has. He says he’s tried with us but how? He shuts himself off & looks elsewhere. He just tolerates things. He won’t go to counseling or make any real efforts of change.
I’m exhausted. I’m having trouble sleeping. I haven’t ate anything. I can’t eat. I puked up acid last night from my stomach constantly churning. Can’t keep anything down. Having anxiety & panic attacks. My heart is broke because my son keeps saying he doesn’t wanna go anywhere, that he “wants to stay with his mommy.” Bobby & I had a good night tonight. We were laughing & he even sat close to me on the couch. Max was sitting on my lap & he was “filing” my nails. He grabbed my middle finger & said “this is daddy.” Grabbed my ring ringer & said “this is mommy.” Grabbed my pinkie & said “this is maxwell!” I gave Bobby the finger & said “look this is you.” We had a laugh & I told Max he makes my heart cuz he says he wants us together a lot lately. Bobby may not fully acknowledge it because of how his parents were but kids want their parents together.
I don’t feel like I have a choice anymore. I’m holding on though. People keep telling me to fight for Bobby but he’s not giving me any hope since you’ve popped up in the picture. He gives me such bullshit. “Signs.” Because one house we looked into didn’t work out. I found it on the internet & we half ass were trying to get it for a couple of days. He makes it sound like it was an ordeal. And then I guess his horoscopes lately & you texting him out of the blue. All signs. Proof that I guess we’re worth throwing away. It’s bullshit honestly…
I don’t know what my point is in telling you any of this. I just want to for once in my life, stand up for myself. I’m sorry to keeping referring to you just leaving him but that’s what I heard from Bobby himself, his family, & his friends. I’m sure you had your reasons as Bobby’s told me about some of the things that happened due to his drinking (you breaking down the door when he passed out in the shower & him not picking you up at work cuz of him passing out drunk). Honestly when my boyfriend at the time & I hung out with you guys a month before you did leave, we picked up that you didn’t seem happy.
I don’t hate you or blame you. I don’t think you’re intentionally being manipulative or that you even think you’re trying to be a factor. But like Bobby told you, you ARE one. That fact that you still reach out to him & wanted to hang out a “handful of times” (KNOWING I didn’t know) tells me you don’t really give a shit about me or my son. My family. If you REALLY didn’t want to be a factor, you wouldn’t contact him anymore until he told you that me & him were done. Obviously we’re not. We’re still living together. We still talk & interact with each other very friendly. Bobby hasn’t said he doesn’t want to be with me. At the end of the day, people are innately selfish & all you see is your own thoughts & feelings, “still thinking about him.” You may still wonder about him in some romanticized way because maybe your life isn’t going the way you want & you’re looking back at your past choices but Bobby is my WORLD, my HOME. He always will be. I guarantee that whatever you’re feeling doesn’t even begin to come close to what I feel.
I don’t mean this in a mean way but I wish you could’ve just gone away forever. I love him more than anyone will ever understand, I’ll never stop loving him, would never do anything to hurt or betray him. He’ll always be a part of my life. I’m not going away. Know that if you two do end up getting back together, know you’ll have to face me one day & I hope there’s SOME guilt from you. Honestly I don’t think you two would last anyways & Bobby would try come back to me. Our relationship’s been like a river, ever changing but never ending. We’ve always had that pull.
It hurts so bad that I can’t do anything to fix this right now. That I have to endure this bullshit. I can’t help but to be a little bit resentful towards you. I don’t see why I wasn’t good enough to keep trying. Bobby seems to be on the fence & really unsure of things. He says he still could see us together. That fact that things are so good, he said, makes this harder. I told Bobby I hope he regrets this. I don’t mean that in a bad way, not wishing harm to him. But honestly I hope he realizes you’re not what he wants or thought you were & finally gets the closure he never got & understands how special a thing he had with me & our son. I’ll never stop hoping that my son can have a mommy & a daddy. Hopefully you can understand where I’m coming from & would feel the same way if you were in my shoes.